Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
