i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
