Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
