When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
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All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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