Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
it's like iHOP with fire
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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