And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
