omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
