I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Can you bring me the toilet please
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
