Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
