Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
