God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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