I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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