took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm having to shit out rocks
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
