Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
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