you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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