I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
