end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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