She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
