good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When did angry sex become our thing?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
