I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
