Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
