i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
