life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
