so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
