She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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