just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
