I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
