My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
