Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
