Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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