I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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