youre lurking in front of me
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
