last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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