if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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