dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We need to get me chipped asap
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
