My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
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You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
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I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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