This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
