ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
