meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
