My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
