I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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