did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
