I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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