Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
