No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
