I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
