Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
