Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Pants are for mortals
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
