Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
