We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
NoShamevember. You game?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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