just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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