I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
