i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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