Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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