Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
