she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
